December 17, 2025
Wednesday
The note was teasing me for weeks: “J69:24” marked several places, all of them pointing to today’s date. I knew what the apparent code signified. It’s the way I number the paper notebooks, the Js, I write in every day. The code was directing me to page 24 of J69. I couldn’t remember when I’d first made that notation, and I certainly had no idea what might be on page 24. Since it seemed important that I address the matter on this date in 2025, I noted it mentally and then moved on to other tasks.
I am preparing for the end-of-the-year reflection and renewal tasks I typically undertake during the week between the Feast of Stephen (December 26th) and December 31st. These tasks seem singularly important to me now as I resolve to rebuild the parts of my self-concept that got lost or damaged over these past two years as a caregiver. I have a number of resources I have used in the past, tailoring them to my particular needs and interests. I’ve begun pulling them together and loading them into my wheeled backpack to take to the private personal retreat away from home that will begin on December 29. This would include all of the Js for 2025.
The J I am working in now is J73, begun on October 23. When I gathered the other notebooks I filled in 2025, I stacked J72 (July 12 – Oct 22), J71 (Jun 1 – July 11), and J70 (Mar 5 – May 30). J69, which certainly contained material from before March 1, was missing.
Where could it be? What had I done with it? This morning I undertook a search through the tangled terrain of the bags, baskets, and boxes where things get stashed. Along the way, of course, I found a number of my “truncated unfinishments” and nearly fell victim to the creative hoarder’s self-defeating habit of becoming engaged by a tangent and forgetting the original quest. But I caught myself, and finally found J69 in a basket of catalogs. I resolutely discarded the catalogs. I need nothing offered therein, especially the the velvet beaded long coat, although I did caress it with my eyes.
J69 was begun on December 1, 2024, and retired on March 4. And what was on page 24? A recollection of the several bad days Ron had just had — dizziness, fatigue, some confusion. Then a note about the content of the Pray as You Go devotional plan I follow. a traditional scripture study with a Jesuit/Ignatian stance. The text for the day was Matthew 1:18-25, in which Joseph faces a moment of uncertainty concerning accepting the responsibility of nurturing the extraordinary child about to be born. In addressing the study questions provided, I have written:
What would I do in a similar situation? I know that I am being called now to say yes to my promise to follow Ron into the dark.
On this day, a year ago, I knew where the year would take us. I said yes to it. And here we are.